If there was anyway to get straight from the office to my house, someone please let me know. Even if something is in the works, hasn't passed FDA, FCC, Homeland Security, or whatever the hell, I am willing to try it. Until that day, I am forced to join the masses and ride BART.
Fortunately, there are always a cast of characters or at least some noteworthy folk around me. Today was particularly sweet; there were three people that really caught my eye.
First, in the morning, I noticed a woman decided to take a seat on the floor. Sure it is carpeted, sure all the seats were taken, but who really sits down on the train? I soon found out she did this because she had to put on her makeup. Holy sh*t...
I didn't want to stare but I felt like I was in the presence of a master. This woman was pulling out things from her purse that finally made me understand what females carry around in there. No lie, this woman looked like she was getting ready to create a watercolor painting. The way she was setting everything up in front of her and all her colors made me feel like I was back in 3rd grade art class
Not only was I baffled by the human mural that was on display, but I was really thrown for a loop when she brought out the tools for her eye lashes. At this point things were getting dangerous. I felt at any given moment this BART train would rattle too much and this woman would end up poking herself in the eye with an apparatus that surely would be banned on most commercial flights. Women, I just don't know how you do it.
Fast forward to the BART ride home and I am easily recounting one of the top 5 moments of the summer.
As my eyes are half open and my body weirdly tired from sitting down at my desk all day, I look up to scan the train. Almost at the opposite end from where I am standing I see something that I will never forget: a teenager absolutely going crazy listening to his Ipod.
This kid was just losing his mind. He looked like he was auditioning for one of the actual Ipod commercials when there are black figures going ape shit while listening to their Ipods and having loud colors in the background.From where I was standing it looked like he was going into cardiac arrest. I almost yelled for a doctor when I first saw him but, luckily for everyone, I refrained. Although I was highly entertained by watching this guy, the gentleman next to him might have stolen the show.
As this young man was going bananas, the guy next to him DID NOT MOVE A MUSCLE. I mean seriously. This guy only moved his eyeballs left and right. Even when the train came to an abrupt halt this guy was stapled to the ground. It seemed like this guy didn't want to ask Mr. Ipod to calm down or turn down the music nor did he want to relocate.
It looked like I was watching Jurassic Park all over again. Remember when the brother and sister are in the jeep after the power went out? The T-Rex comes by and they try to not make a sound...They are just statues with their eyes being the only thing that moves.
JUST like that.
Bloody brilliant.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
The Bare Necessities
Working a 9 to 5 is no joke. I have been able to do very little after coming home because of how tired I am. Even if I am not that tired, knowing that I have to wake up at a certain time the next day really hurts the team.
I have been meaning to write an entry on what I consider The Bare Necessities. I have always had what I call "emergency items" in my backpack or gym bag but its a whole new ball game at the office. Some items are brand new, some are not. Either way, this is what all guys need to have handy. There are 5 things a working gentleman should forever keep in mind. Lets take it from the top, shall we?
1. Deodorant- This might be the most important thing on the list and that's why it is numero uno. Always carry a spare deodorant with you. Everyone sweats. It can get real bad when an exam is coming up, or you got problems with your spouse, or you just stank that day. I would personally go for the stick kind but if you are a spray on guy, go for it. Plus, if you get asked out by a girl or your buddies to go out for a drink or dinner, and don't have time to change, it can come in real handy.
2. Medicine- Now, this section might be a little different for me than it is for you. Okay, so I have asthma. Okay, I have allergies. Okay, I get migraines. Other than that I'm just your average Joe. But seriously, you don't want to be coughing and sneezing at the workplace and receive all those nasty looks from others. Ya know that look. The look like "I can't believe this fool is sick. I just KNOW he is going to get me sick. For peete's sake, get a goddamn tissue!" I mean asthma and allergies are usually associated with nerds right? You don't want to seem like you don't have you sh*t together and be sneezing and coughing all over the copy machine.You think James Dean was allergic to dust or had to walk around with an inhaler in his pocket? Gotta have some ibuprofen or Advil handy, too. Headaches are real common nowadays. Plus, if your cute co-worker ever is sneezing or has a headache, you can come to the rescue. BOOYAH!
3. Breath Goods- Essential. Keep a pack of gum, tic tacs, or altoids on you or at your work station. Personally, I go for the altoids. I keep them in my messenger bag and that way they are always with me. Whether I'm at my computer, on BART or wherever. I think if you are chewing gum you come up as a little rude or immature. You don't want to be smacking away as your boss or a P.Y.T. comes up to you. Let's be honest, tic tacs only sound good. They don't really last and they epitomize 8th graders who think they are too cool for school. (Glory days by the way). If you want to get really Spectacular with it, keep a travel size toothbrush and toothpaste with you. That trumps the other 3 by far. And your co-workers will be impressed when they see you coming out of the bathroom with it. "That guy means business."
4. Money- We are very credit card oriented these days and that is fine. Minimizes the wallet bulk (unless you are a rookie), puts the joke on the person who preforms the mugging and not the other way around, and just makes things easier when you just throw the plastic down and don't have to sit there counting the Washington's one by one. However, I will say that a true gentleman should have at least $50 handy. Sure, you can always "stop at the bank en route" but it looks better just pick up and go. You can go get drinks after work and don't have to worry about putting the tab on multiple cards. It'll be enough to cover yourself and likely enough to treat someone else to a few cosmo's as well.
5. The Backups- Of course it is ideal to have a whole outfit that you can keep at the office. If you have showers and lockers at your workplace-perfect But, for most of us, that is not the case. So, it comes down to 2 main things: an extra dress shirt and an extra pair of socks. If someone invites you out after work or you are going to meet up with your crush from college or high school, you want to be looking a little fresh. (Both in the street sense and the new, ripe sense) You don't want to roc the shirt you sweated through all day. And who knows, you might have spilled some cappuccino or red bull on it. As far as the socks, those guys are going to be stanky and a little damp. It always feels good to put on new, clean socks and this time it won't be any different. You don't want any stench to be seeping up from under the table or anything. If you can, a fresh pair of underwear and an undershirt would be great, too. But, don't get too greedy.
There you have it, ladies and gentleman. What one, especially a man, needs at the workplace. It may sound like a lot but it really isn't. Most of the the above can be stored at your work station and take up little to no room. I also suggest you carry a messenger bag or briefcase. Leave the backpack to the high schoolers. Show that you are now a professional and have graduated from the ol' b-packs. Plus, how can you be looking suave and charming with a backpack on? I mean honestly.
Take my advice. Follow the Spectacular 5 Step Plan. It'll change everything.
Trust me
I have been meaning to write an entry on what I consider The Bare Necessities. I have always had what I call "emergency items" in my backpack or gym bag but its a whole new ball game at the office. Some items are brand new, some are not. Either way, this is what all guys need to have handy. There are 5 things a working gentleman should forever keep in mind. Lets take it from the top, shall we?
1. Deodorant- This might be the most important thing on the list and that's why it is numero uno. Always carry a spare deodorant with you. Everyone sweats. It can get real bad when an exam is coming up, or you got problems with your spouse, or you just stank that day. I would personally go for the stick kind but if you are a spray on guy, go for it. Plus, if you get asked out by a girl or your buddies to go out for a drink or dinner, and don't have time to change, it can come in real handy.
2. Medicine- Now, this section might be a little different for me than it is for you. Okay, so I have asthma. Okay, I have allergies. Okay, I get migraines. Other than that I'm just your average Joe. But seriously, you don't want to be coughing and sneezing at the workplace and receive all those nasty looks from others. Ya know that look. The look like "I can't believe this fool is sick. I just KNOW he is going to get me sick. For peete's sake, get a goddamn tissue!" I mean asthma and allergies are usually associated with nerds right? You don't want to seem like you don't have you sh*t together and be sneezing and coughing all over the copy machine.You think James Dean was allergic to dust or had to walk around with an inhaler in his pocket? Gotta have some ibuprofen or Advil handy, too. Headaches are real common nowadays. Plus, if your cute co-worker ever is sneezing or has a headache, you can come to the rescue. BOOYAH!
3. Breath Goods- Essential. Keep a pack of gum, tic tacs, or altoids on you or at your work station. Personally, I go for the altoids. I keep them in my messenger bag and that way they are always with me. Whether I'm at my computer, on BART or wherever. I think if you are chewing gum you come up as a little rude or immature. You don't want to be smacking away as your boss or a P.Y.T. comes up to you. Let's be honest, tic tacs only sound good. They don't really last and they epitomize 8th graders who think they are too cool for school. (Glory days by the way). If you want to get really Spectacular with it, keep a travel size toothbrush and toothpaste with you. That trumps the other 3 by far. And your co-workers will be impressed when they see you coming out of the bathroom with it. "That guy means business."
4. Money- We are very credit card oriented these days and that is fine. Minimizes the wallet bulk (unless you are a rookie), puts the joke on the person who preforms the mugging and not the other way around, and just makes things easier when you just throw the plastic down and don't have to sit there counting the Washington's one by one. However, I will say that a true gentleman should have at least $50 handy. Sure, you can always "stop at the bank en route" but it looks better just pick up and go. You can go get drinks after work and don't have to worry about putting the tab on multiple cards. It'll be enough to cover yourself and likely enough to treat someone else to a few cosmo's as well.
5. The Backups- Of course it is ideal to have a whole outfit that you can keep at the office. If you have showers and lockers at your workplace-perfect But, for most of us, that is not the case. So, it comes down to 2 main things: an extra dress shirt and an extra pair of socks. If someone invites you out after work or you are going to meet up with your crush from college or high school, you want to be looking a little fresh. (Both in the street sense and the new, ripe sense) You don't want to roc the shirt you sweated through all day. And who knows, you might have spilled some cappuccino or red bull on it. As far as the socks, those guys are going to be stanky and a little damp. It always feels good to put on new, clean socks and this time it won't be any different. You don't want any stench to be seeping up from under the table or anything. If you can, a fresh pair of underwear and an undershirt would be great, too. But, don't get too greedy.
There you have it, ladies and gentleman. What one, especially a man, needs at the workplace. It may sound like a lot but it really isn't. Most of the the above can be stored at your work station and take up little to no room. I also suggest you carry a messenger bag or briefcase. Leave the backpack to the high schoolers. Show that you are now a professional and have graduated from the ol' b-packs. Plus, how can you be looking suave and charming with a backpack on? I mean honestly.
Take my advice. Follow the Spectacular 5 Step Plan. It'll change everything.
Trust me
Sunday, July 1, 2007
I'm Bringing Chest Hair Back
(The following article centers around chest hair ONLY. I will not discuss things south of the border but I will say that both males and females should take care of themselves and leave the Amazon to South America)
Now that summer is officially here, and our Independence Day is right around the corner, it is time to address an issue that has been associated with men for quite some time now: the hairy chest.
According to Darwin and evolution, we use to be a lot hairier than we are today. And that goes for females as well. So one can say that we have lost a lot of hair over the years and are a far cry from our original selves. On the other hand, if you think Darwin didn't know what the hell he was talking about, we are significantly hairier than our first go around with Adam & Eve. Of course I was not present at the Garden of Eden, but I can confidently say that based on textual information and drawings, their bodies were completely hairless with the exception of head hair.
But forget the past, let's focus on the present. In today's world, especially in the States, smooth and hairless is in. This is on display mostly in the advertising and marketing field. While shopping for boxer briefs just the other day I noticed that not only did all the male models have little to no chest hair, but there legs appeared to be bare as well. When male celebrities appear on covers of magazines shirtless, such as the no talent ass clown Matthew McConaughey or Justin Timberlake, they, too, have little to no chest hair. Are they naturally like this or do they shave/wax it? I don't know that answer but I do know this: chest hair is great, and I'm bringing it back.
Before I continue, and before all the women out there scrunch their faces and say "Eww", I am a proud owner of chest hair. I am no grizzly bear by any standards but I do enjoy the Norwegian carpet located on my front side. I'll even admit that I have shaved my chest twice in my life. I had to do it. I was in the 10th grade and I knew I was the only one of my friends who had chest hair. I was fine with it myself, but I thought the girls might not like it and by comparison, I would be not as desired.
Now, I am a 20 year old male and I have been known to go swimming or play some football without a shirt on in my day. Over the past few years I have had no problem doing so. My peers had finally caught up to me in the puberty game (been going strong myself since 4th grade...just kidding...2nd grade) and now I wasn't the only chap at the pool party who wasn't looking like a 5 year old named Timmy. Onto the biggest point of the summer: pool etiquette.
OK, make sure every time, even if you are chubby, you don't go into the pool with a t-shirt on. Other dudes will think you are a jackass and girls will know you aren't confident, and the females hate a man with a lack of confidence. Plus, you'll just look like that fat kid you went to camp with back in the day who actually somehow appeared fatter when he got outta the pool wearing his over sized white T. The same chest hair related problems don't exist in college compared to those in high school. In college everyone is trans gender, gay, a member of the Green Party, a vegan, gay, depressed, or all of the above that it doesn't even matter if you got a hairy chest. But in high school, your image is everything.
Here is the secret when attending a pool party or going swimming with your peers around you: make sure there is at least one other hairy guy that is going to be removing his shirt, too. That way, you won't be the only real man around and there is the possibility he is hairier than you and the girls will notice that.
"Jeez, look at Ari's chest hair. He looks like wolverine from X-Men" said Stacy
"But good lord! Look at Roger's chest hair. His chest looks like Albus Dumbledore's beard!" said Stacy's friend Amber
Also, try to avoid laying down or sitting next to several friends who are less hairy than you. If you must do so, place yourself in the middle as opposed to the beginning or the end. That way, the shock is brought down to a lesser extent. If a girl sees you at the beginning of a row, it might be too much to handle right off the bat. If she sees you at the end, here eyes will be used to seeing the hairless and this will be too much for her at the end.
I think that hair in high school or at a young age is seen as a negative because how it is portrayed in ads and because hair is associated with a lack of hygiene. As we get older, it becomes the true sign of manhood. I mean look at some of history's greatest hairy chested men. I'll give two fantastic examples: Austin Powers and James Bond. I mean my goodness, do you get any better than that? These two cover all categories. Comedy, action, smooth talkers, clever, great dressers, smart, and both are ladies men.
However, I will say that one should avoid the V-neck undershirts. Nobody really wants to see the chest hair popping out of the shirt. Its okay to be shirtless at the pool or in the park on a hot day but nobody wants to see all that walking down the street; clean it up. Go for a regular crew neck undershirt.
Maybe I feel this way because I consider myself a guy from the old school. Sure I was born in the 80's and I'm not into all this new technology and fashion. Give me a zoot suit, a type writer, some James Brown, and a VCR and I'll show you a party.
Ladies, do you really want to be married to man who doesn't have any chest hair when you are older. Sure, it is possible he never could grow any but that is unlikely. You don't want to tell people he is 47 years old and shaving his chest do you? How would that look if you are trying to gather your three kids for school and when you ask your husband to help you he says: "Just a minute honey, these spots around my nipples are tricky!"
There are all these devices and surgeries for hair removal but you need to realize that we are a people and culture that is ever changing. We live for fads. One day its in, the next, its out. I'm not telling you what to do but am here merely to give suggestions and provide a different point of view. Hey, Europeans are generally hairy, and they are at least 5 times better off than we are.
Get on this chest hair bandwagon NOW while you still can. Who knows, with gas prices these days and myself being in high demand, I might not have time in the future to pull over and let you hop on.
Now that summer is officially here, and our Independence Day is right around the corner, it is time to address an issue that has been associated with men for quite some time now: the hairy chest.
According to Darwin and evolution, we use to be a lot hairier than we are today. And that goes for females as well. So one can say that we have lost a lot of hair over the years and are a far cry from our original selves. On the other hand, if you think Darwin didn't know what the hell he was talking about, we are significantly hairier than our first go around with Adam & Eve. Of course I was not present at the Garden of Eden, but I can confidently say that based on textual information and drawings, their bodies were completely hairless with the exception of head hair.
But forget the past, let's focus on the present. In today's world, especially in the States, smooth and hairless is in. This is on display mostly in the advertising and marketing field. While shopping for boxer briefs just the other day I noticed that not only did all the male models have little to no chest hair, but there legs appeared to be bare as well. When male celebrities appear on covers of magazines shirtless, such as the no talent ass clown Matthew McConaughey or Justin Timberlake, they, too, have little to no chest hair. Are they naturally like this or do they shave/wax it? I don't know that answer but I do know this: chest hair is great, and I'm bringing it back.
Before I continue, and before all the women out there scrunch their faces and say "Eww", I am a proud owner of chest hair. I am no grizzly bear by any standards but I do enjoy the Norwegian carpet located on my front side. I'll even admit that I have shaved my chest twice in my life. I had to do it. I was in the 10th grade and I knew I was the only one of my friends who had chest hair. I was fine with it myself, but I thought the girls might not like it and by comparison, I would be not as desired.
Now, I am a 20 year old male and I have been known to go swimming or play some football without a shirt on in my day. Over the past few years I have had no problem doing so. My peers had finally caught up to me in the puberty game (been going strong myself since 4th grade...just kidding...2nd grade) and now I wasn't the only chap at the pool party who wasn't looking like a 5 year old named Timmy. Onto the biggest point of the summer: pool etiquette.
OK, make sure every time, even if you are chubby, you don't go into the pool with a t-shirt on. Other dudes will think you are a jackass and girls will know you aren't confident, and the females hate a man with a lack of confidence. Plus, you'll just look like that fat kid you went to camp with back in the day who actually somehow appeared fatter when he got outta the pool wearing his over sized white T. The same chest hair related problems don't exist in college compared to those in high school. In college everyone is trans gender, gay, a member of the Green Party, a vegan, gay, depressed, or all of the above that it doesn't even matter if you got a hairy chest. But in high school, your image is everything.
Here is the secret when attending a pool party or going swimming with your peers around you: make sure there is at least one other hairy guy that is going to be removing his shirt, too. That way, you won't be the only real man around and there is the possibility he is hairier than you and the girls will notice that.
"Jeez, look at Ari's chest hair. He looks like wolverine from X-Men" said Stacy
"But good lord! Look at Roger's chest hair. His chest looks like Albus Dumbledore's beard!" said Stacy's friend Amber
Also, try to avoid laying down or sitting next to several friends who are less hairy than you. If you must do so, place yourself in the middle as opposed to the beginning or the end. That way, the shock is brought down to a lesser extent. If a girl sees you at the beginning of a row, it might be too much to handle right off the bat. If she sees you at the end, here eyes will be used to seeing the hairless and this will be too much for her at the end.
I think that hair in high school or at a young age is seen as a negative because how it is portrayed in ads and because hair is associated with a lack of hygiene. As we get older, it becomes the true sign of manhood. I mean look at some of history's greatest hairy chested men. I'll give two fantastic examples: Austin Powers and James Bond. I mean my goodness, do you get any better than that? These two cover all categories. Comedy, action, smooth talkers, clever, great dressers, smart, and both are ladies men.
However, I will say that one should avoid the V-neck undershirts. Nobody really wants to see the chest hair popping out of the shirt. Its okay to be shirtless at the pool or in the park on a hot day but nobody wants to see all that walking down the street; clean it up. Go for a regular crew neck undershirt.
Maybe I feel this way because I consider myself a guy from the old school. Sure I was born in the 80's and I'm not into all this new technology and fashion. Give me a zoot suit, a type writer, some James Brown, and a VCR and I'll show you a party.
Ladies, do you really want to be married to man who doesn't have any chest hair when you are older. Sure, it is possible he never could grow any but that is unlikely. You don't want to tell people he is 47 years old and shaving his chest do you? How would that look if you are trying to gather your three kids for school and when you ask your husband to help you he says: "Just a minute honey, these spots around my nipples are tricky!"
There are all these devices and surgeries for hair removal but you need to realize that we are a people and culture that is ever changing. We live for fads. One day its in, the next, its out. I'm not telling you what to do but am here merely to give suggestions and provide a different point of view. Hey, Europeans are generally hairy, and they are at least 5 times better off than we are.
Get on this chest hair bandwagon NOW while you still can. Who knows, with gas prices these days and myself being in high demand, I might not have time in the future to pull over and let you hop on.
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