I'm Bringing Chest Hair Back

(The following article centers around chest hair ONLY. I will not discuss things south of the border but I will say that both males and females should take care of themselves and leave the Amazon to South America)

Now that summer is officially here, and our Independence Day is right around the corner, it is time to address an issue that has been associated with men for quite some time now: the hairy chest.

According to Darwin and evolution, we use to be a lot hairier than we are today. And that goes for females as well. So one can say that we have lost a lot of hair over the years and are a far cry from our original selves. On the other hand, if you think Darwin didn't know what the hell he was talking about, we are significantly hairier than our first go around with Adam & Eve. Of course I was not present at the Garden of Eden, but I can confidently say that based on textual information and drawings, their bodies were completely hairless with the exception of head hair.

But forget the past, let's focus on the present. In today's world, especially in the States, smooth and hairless is in. This is on display mostly in the advertising and marketing field. While shopping for boxer briefs just the other day I noticed that not only did all the male models have little to no chest hair, but there legs appeared to be bare as well. When male celebrities appear on covers of magazines shirtless, such as the no talent ass clown Matthew McConaughey or Justin Timberlake, they, too, have little to no chest hair. Are they naturally like this or do they shave/wax it? I don't know that answer but I do know this: chest hair is great, and I'm bringing it back.

Before I continue, and before all the women out there scrunch their faces and say "Eww", I am a proud owner of chest hair. I am no grizzly bear by any standards but I do enjoy the Norwegian carpet located on my front side. I'll even admit that I have shaved my chest twice in my life. I had to do it. I was in the 10th grade and I knew I was the only one of my friends who had chest hair. I was fine with it myself, but I thought the girls might not like it and by comparison, I would be not as desired.

Now, I am a 20 year old male and I have been known to go swimming or play some football without a shirt on in my day. Over the past few years I have had no problem doing so. My peers had finally caught up to me in the puberty game (been going strong myself since 4th grade...just kidding...2nd grade) and now I wasn't the only chap at the pool party who wasn't looking like a 5 year old named Timmy. Onto the biggest point of the summer: pool etiquette.

OK, make sure every time, even if you are chubby, you don't go into the pool with a t-shirt on. Other dudes will think you are a jackass and girls will know you aren't confident, and the females hate a man with a lack of confidence. Plus, you'll just look like that fat kid you went to camp with back in the day who actually somehow appeared fatter when he got outta the pool wearing his over sized white T. The same chest hair related problems don't exist in college compared to those in high school. In college everyone is trans gender, gay, a member of the Green Party, a vegan, gay, depressed, or all of the above that it doesn't even matter if you got a hairy chest. But in high school, your image is everything.

Here is the secret when attending a pool party or going swimming with your peers around you: make sure there is at least one other hairy guy that is going to be removing his shirt, too. That way, you won't be the only real man around and there is the possibility he is hairier than you and the girls will notice that.
"Jeez, look at Ari's chest hair. He looks like wolverine from X-Men" said Stacy
"But good lord! Look at Roger's chest hair. His chest looks like Albus Dumbledore's beard!" said Stacy's friend Amber

Also, try to avoid laying down or sitting next to several friends who are less hairy than you. If you must do so, place yourself in the middle as opposed to the beginning or the end. That way, the shock is brought down to a lesser extent. If a girl sees you at the beginning of a row, it might be too much to handle right off the bat. If she sees you at the end, here eyes will be used to seeing the hairless and this will be too much for her at the end.

I think that hair in high school or at a young age is seen as a negative because how it is portrayed in ads and because hair is associated with a lack of hygiene. As we get older, it becomes the true sign of manhood. I mean look at some of history's greatest hairy chested men. I'll give two fantastic examples: Austin Powers and James Bond. I mean my goodness, do you get any better than that? These two cover all categories. Comedy, action, smooth talkers, clever, great dressers, smart, and both are ladies men.

However, I will say that one should avoid the V-neck undershirts. Nobody really wants to see the chest hair popping out of the shirt. Its okay to be shirtless at the pool or in the park on a hot day but nobody wants to see all that walking down the street; clean it up. Go for a regular crew neck undershirt.

Maybe I feel this way because I consider myself a guy from the old school. Sure I was born in the 80's and I'm not into all this new technology and fashion. Give me a zoot suit, a type writer, some James Brown, and a VCR and I'll show you a party.

Ladies, do you really want to be married to man who doesn't have any chest hair when you are older. Sure, it is possible he never could grow any but that is unlikely. You don't want to tell people he is 47 years old and shaving his chest do you? How would that look if you are trying to gather your three kids for school and when you ask your husband to help you he says: "Just a minute honey, these spots around my nipples are tricky!"

There are all these devices and surgeries for hair removal but you need to realize that we are a people and culture that is ever changing. We live for fads. One day its in, the next, its out. I'm not telling you what to do but am here merely to give suggestions and provide a different point of view. Hey, Europeans are generally hairy, and they are at least 5 times better off than we are.

Get on this chest hair bandwagon NOW while you still can. Who knows, with gas prices these days and myself being in high demand, I might not have time in the future to pull over and let you hop on.